Live Life, Laugh & Smile, Love Lots

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I Do Not Believe What I Was Taught…Am I A Bad Person?

First off a disclaimer here is I love my parents with all my heart, as frustrating and hurtful they can be. In my books for the most part they’ve done right by me and that’s the most I can ask for. However just because I am grateful for their love, care and support over these last couple of years it does not mean I blindly believe the wisdom they choose to impart with me.

First and foremost I am an adult. At 22 years old I would like to believe I have accumulated enough life experiences to understand and engineer my own personal belief systems, opinions, and relationships. I am not saying I no longer need my parents guidance or support but rather that I do have the ability to formulate values and process higher level thoughts. 

Second of all, my parents are good people, in the simplest sense of the term. They believe in equality for the most part and love for all humans. They are alright with abortion within reason, they believe in gay marriage, and the empowerment of women in society. Basic progressive thoughts. 

But not when these basic progressive ideals apply to their own children. I shudder to think of the struggle I’d face had I needed to “come out” to my parents. They mean well, but yet they live their lives in contradiction.

As a visible minority they have experienced different levels of discrimination. From civil unrest and war in their native country. To racism in the new land they sought refuge in. However they kept their heads held high, stood their ground and defended their beliefs and ideals. They educated many about racial diversity and yet remained racially partial. Especially when it came to their own children. From a young age I heard many tales of woe and misfortune that became of the interracial couples in my family including my dad’s sister and various cousins. However I always knew in my heart of hearts although easier it would be to see someone of my own race in terms of introductions to my parents I would follow my heart where it took me. And as feared but expected my heart took me elsewhere, away from what I’ve known and was taught but into the arms of someone special. I’d like to believe everything happens for a reason. I am truly happy now being with someone I unconditionally love, yet I live in fear. 

Daily I dwell upon my future circumstances. I cry, I am frustrated and I am scared because I love someone of a different race. And because my parents seem like they will never be able to accept it. With them being a visible minority, having been historically oppressed and discriminated against I assumed things would be different, a more accepting attitude in place. Yet they are stubborn, set in their ways worried about what their peers would think of their daughters interracial happiness. They fear cultural clashes, assimilation and uncomfortable situations will ensue. Either I will lose sight of my culture and my heritage, where I come from, or he will be subjected to language barriers. However I do not believe in this truly global society that these minor things would even be an issue especially for my generation. They warn me of awkward scenarios, an unpleasant future and regret. Why can’t they be happy for me? Why can’t they support me in this? I just wish they would be accepting as their disapproval hurts my heart.

When I hear people tell me I can’t leave my parents to be with the person I love because it’s disrespectful and because my parents raised me and I should be appreciative of that and loyal to them, it’s difficult for me to hear. I understand and agree with those things but I’m also sure they worked hard so I’d be happy in my life. This relationship makes me happy, without him I would imagine things being bleak and miserable. I’m not trying to trade them for him, it doesn’t have to be one or the other it could and should be both. The future, and my time to tell them about this are still a long way off. I just wish it were easier, I wish I didn’t live in fear, I wish things were different.

Then again it’s not even just my parents I have to contend with. There is society and the older generations that reside within it. Going out in public, just holding hands, or sitting on the bus together with my head occasionally resting on his shoulder, elicits many disturbed and disapproving glances our way. There is nothing remarkable about us, we are just like any other couple yet a select group of elderly of both our respective races, condemn us for who we love and chose to be with. I was naive enough to believe that this would no longer be an issue, that in 2014, this was an issue long gone, one of the past, yet here it is rearing it’s ugly judgemental head creating a hostile environment for us.

I eagerly await the future with equal parts fear and hope. I hope for approval, a better place, more accepting society. And I fear that these things will take time to come and will not be easy to attain. However in my heart of hearts, I know I will be okay, because even if I don’t agree with everything I was taught growing up, there was enough good in it that keeps me optimistic about the future. 

Filed under interracial interraciallove relationships love parents

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How Do You Keep It all Together?

I don’t even know where to start. Maybe from my feelings of shame associated with Transformation Tuesday and how nothing has really changed that I can see physically in ages. I feel like the same chunky girl I’ve always been. Yeah maybe in one year I had lost something around 14lbs, doesn’t seem like much when I see everyone else’s four month transformations and I worked so hard at that for a year. I don’t know what else I can do at this point and I’m frustrated and I feel like giving up altogether which I guess I’ve done. Now I’m angry and upset and I’m pretty sure I’ve undone most of my progress from the year prior.

I’m a saboteur there is no other way to put it. I’m my own worst enemy as Sam Robert’s song Human Heat screams back at me. I don’t know why I always manage to throw things under the bus and break what I build. What’s the point if I’m just going to go ahead and ruin it anyways like I do with technology, relationships with friends, family, my parents, my brother and personal relationships. None are spared from the tyrant that is my mind.

And then there is the matter of my sensitivity. I’m actually super fragile, if anyone says anything to me, especially the people I love I just can’t hold it together. I become this crying wreck. And in my last relationship where I was literally treated like shit I really didn’t cry, yet here I am the happiest I’ve been since I can really remember but a bawling mess. How are my emotions so abundant and rampant. They just vary across the spectrum at the extremes and I don’t know if that’s okay.

Maybe I’m not ready for this kind of commitment, like I’m too immature? Or it really is that I haven’t had enough experience. I don’t know what’s going on with me but I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t seem to change my attitude, my thoughts, and my feelings. I can’t seem to get rid of my insecurities, my doubts and my fears.

How do you keep it all together? When things just seem to fall apart?

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Enjoying some poori in the backyard with the beautiful weather! Being a good little brown girl 😛 #poori #summertime

Enjoying some poori in the backyard with the beautiful weather! Being a good little brown girl 😛 #poori #summertime

Filed under poori summertime

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I Never Learn

Fitting I would title this after the album I am currently listening to, Lykke Li’s “I Never Learn”. Very haunting, melodic, moody music, perfect for my current mood and this time of a midsummer’s night. Now back to what I’ve learned.

This week has been the week of blasts from my past. I dealt with them in the best way I thought I could, feeling like I had learned a lot, reflecting my personal growth and experience. But from my closest peers it seems apparently my decisions of handling the heartbreaker’s post midnight messages were only due to my current circumstances. Not due to past experiences, personal growth or any real tribute to my intelligence. No apparently the only reason I shut down those advances was because I am currently not “single” or “lonely”. I have to admit that didn’t make me feel all too great.

In the same week I learned that apparently not everyone from highschool truly grew out of the highschool mentality. Apparently I am relevant and of some importance enough to be fodder for gossip. Things that are so trivial and of no importance by people who don’t even really know who I am. What satisfaction does one again by condemning the lives of others and creating an image of someone that you don’t even know is true and garners them poor publicity?

What else did I learn, well that crying is therapeutic. I used to think it symbolized weakness, and letting the other parties secure victory. But crying you do for yourself, not for other people to see or hear but for it to be done in private so you release that overflow of emotion. Apparently these days I feel enough that my emotions brim over in the form of free flowing tears down my cheeks. 

I also learned, that it is quite possible to feel wholly and completely alone in this big old world, despite having family, friends and a relationship to sustain you. Sometimes I feel like I neglect my emotional needs. What do I need to feel whole? I need to feel loved, to feel like I’m cared for, that I matter and that I’m more than just an afterthought. That’s why I never learn…I get swept up in the moment every time. I make excuses, I settle for less than I probably deserve although I can’t even make up my mind about being sure of that. Maybe I’m devaluing a good thing, maybe I’m being too picky, maybe I’m being ungrateful or not giving things a fair shot. So in my moments of indecisiveness I stay, I hang around, with one foot in the door and one foot out. Afraid to fully commit because I can’t imagine what it would be like losing out on either side of my commitment. And maybe I’m already too far in, too much more committed than I should be. Maybe I factor in the people I love, and am more willing to make sacrifices for them, than they are for me. 

Maybe I’m being selfish and not fully understanding the situation because I’m giving myself excuses to run, to flee facing the hard stuff, the heartache, the difficult situations. How do I know for sure I love? What if I am just afraid to let go? What if I’ll never know what love is? 

Don’t leave me stranded, don’t leave me alone, don’t leave me dying without a lover to hold. Oh Lykke Li you know what I feel. That bare, and bane loneliness that stretched on for ages without companionship in sight, was what I once felt. When everything was bleak and hollow feeling, just a deep, gaping, emptiness. This loneliness I feel now from time to time, it isn’t like that. It’s more of a yearning for something I know I have, it’s like reaching out for something you thought you placed somewhere only to realize it’s been misplaced. So your hands grasp absently at the empty space. It’s brief and sporadic and less effective 

Sometimes I feel like I’m just on a slightly different page than everyone else. I don’t always like being inside my own head, maybe that’s why I don’t sit and meditate, I fill the time with mindless television shows, and books and movies. anything to distract myself from my own thoughts and feelings. No introspection to make me realize maybe not everything is right. 

Right now I feel like a dam, everything is pushing up at the sides yet it won’t flow over yet. What if I gave up too much of myself too quickly, what if I got caught up in the sweet nothings and innocent fantasies we painted. Without realizing it wasn’t realistic and that we may never be destined to be. What if the sacrifices that I’m required to make outnumber those on your side, and what if you are unable to understand the weight of these consequences?

The future is uncertain, and everything is changing in leaps and bounds, I don’t know what or how I should feel about that. But maybe what I’m feeling isn’t justified, and maybe I should give it some time to sink in.

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Love is More Than A Feeling You Wish For

Love is a feeling, a moment, an eternity. Love is beauty, dreams, hope and kindness. Love is patience, laughter, tears, and madness.

Love stands for letting ourselves venture eternity. For when you meet the one you love, you finally allow yourselves to explore the idea, the concept, the belief of forever. 

In realistic terms, you find yourself wanting to factor them into your life plans, make sacrifices and adjustments for them, and you find yourself considering them as an extension of yourself. 

You ache when they break, you give and you take. Love is about taking risks, putting yourself out there, being completely vulnerable without expecting a return on investment. Because when you truly love, it is selfless,  and it is from the depths of your heart. You find yourself unable to explain your inexplicable attraction, attachment, and connection to the individual, and all you can do is love them.

That is my note on love in a few words. Love and be loved, fall in love with reckless abandon, and create your own love story with the special individuals in your life today. Because you better believe, love is found in the unlikeliest of places and at the strangest of times. There is no warning love just happens and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It can be fleeting, instantaneous, and last you a lifetime.

Filed under love lovestory believe fallinlove youareloved loveandbeloved