Stop making excuses for yourself,
Stop making excuses for him,
Stop making excuses for your actions,
Stop making excuses for your behaviour,
Stop making excuses for your beliefs,
Stop making excuses for your interests,
Stop making excuses for the things you love,
Stop making excuses for the things you hate,
Stop making excuses for the people in your life,
Stop making excuses for the people not in your life,
Stop making excuses for your procrastination,
Stop making excuses for your thoughts,
Stop making excuses for your feelings,
Stop making excuses for today, tomorrow and yesterday,
Stop Making Excuses.
So technically you have social media so people follow you and can keep in contact with you, see what’s happening in your life and etc. However I like to keep that in facebook territory. That is probably my most public social media account where I try to be the most private since the audience varies from elderly family members to very young family friends and random people in between. Twitter was a refuge for 150 character status’, short and sweet, simple ways to get out my frustrations and commentary on life. However the more followers I amass the more conscious I become in regards to what I post on there and how I portray myself to others. And gone is that social media outlet…now all I have left is my tumblr. And I mean it’s not like I’ve hidden the existence of this social media account either, I mean there is a link to it on my facebook, one on my twitter and I believe it’s even linked on my instagram. I don’t know why I’ve done that…I mean I guess I thought no one would ever really bother to creep me too hard and read what I’ve written. Once when a very old friend added me on instagram he proceeded to go to my tumblr account and try to read passages of it to me, but he stopped when he saw how uncomfortable I was getting and how personal it was.
I mean even so I have deleted and had to go back and edit tumblr posts in the past. I even have a private post or two. So I guess there hasn’t really been a social media account of my life where I am wholly and unabashedly myself without any reservations, censors or filters. It’s a shame that all of us humans live behind a facade of how we want to portray ourselves to the outer world, while our true inner selves struggle to come out. Social conventions, life experiences, and stereotypes have us believe we must act a certain way that may not be true to ourselves. Some people go about saying that they don’t hide who they are and don’t care what people thing, but isn’t adopting that attitude a facade in itself, one where you feign disinterest in others opinions when however that is what you are letting dictate your nature and adopted behaviour. I read a Thought Catalogue article about how in the past we were more free with showing we cared and doing things that showed how we felt to others whereas nowadays we are reserved, whether that is an act of self-preservation of our feelings or one of ego and pride, I do not know. But I have caught myself many a time afraid of being myself or saying how I really feel in the fear of coming off as crazy or clingy or too strong. And so I almost really do suffer in silence as a result. Maybe it’s because when I have been honest in the past it has backfired, I haven’t had many positive experiences from expressing how I feel to others and I guess it dissuades me from doing so. But then I have no one to blame but myself when I start to go crazy from not being able to voice my true beliefs and emotions.
The last few days have been unremarkable, just your run of the mill everyday december days. However, I don’t know if it is the thought of the holidays or just the excitement of things wrapping up but all of a sudden I find myself quite content and feeling a flatline of emotion that is staying at the level of happiness. I mean there are small things that are nagging me at the back of my mind, but nothing really taking away from the happy feelings no matter how inconvenient. Today my train was cancelled and I was stuck with my journey being pushed back an entire hour before i got home. Additionally I was not pleased with what ended up being bought for dinner, but somehow all these things didn’t bother me as they usually would have. Could be the change in hormones, it could be the holidays, it could just be that I broke out of my funk. I had a moment where everything just changed, my perspective and all the feelings associated with it. I have been helping my co-worker recently deal with a situation and maybe the ability to help someone else and feel of value and useful is making me feel the way I always felt I should. I don’t know what is happening, but I am only hoping it continues.
Sometimes I imagine myself on the edge of a cliff, on a precipice, things quite shaky, like this feeling of happiness, never knowing when it will set me over the edge and all come crashing down. Or I imagine myself lost at see with only my head out of water barely afloat but just about breathing, struggling against the waves, afraid that it will all overwhelm me and I’ll be swallowed by the waves only to drown. Whatever is happening to me right now I hope neither of those are the case and this is a secure feeling that will tide me over for the next little while.
That is what my co-worker suggests I employ, higher standards for myself and a lower tolerance for bullshit. Things have been surreal the last couple of days. I utilized resources in my life I did not realize I had available to me. I had someone from the outside look in at me and my life and tell me I was a bright girl who would go places. Who doesn’t like a little encouragement and reassurance from an outsider who you don’t feel is obliged to say these things. Well with that said, one other thing this outsider said was that they were not worried about me, and that I couldn’t handle myself especially in affairs of the heart.
Now that is a topic I always seem to have an ample amount of ammo on. Seems to me a never ending, forever evolving piece of my life. Right now I am happy when it is going well, so, so happy. Elated beyond belief and just so content, but only in that moment. When the memories fade, and the magic’s gone away, reality sets in and I don’t know what to think. I tell myself it’s my insecurities, it’s my fault I feel this way and that I need to go take a breather. But honestly when I look back on it, it’s not exactly the most normal situation ever, it’s been difficult from the start. But do I tolerate it for the momentary happiness, despite the grief and anguish I feel in the absence, the feeling of being forgotten, and the void?
Sometimes you have to remember the good things, those happy moments, hold on to them and remember why you committed to doing this in the first place. It’s important to note that amidst all the bad, the storms, the rough patches, that these things do not have to make or break you, or define you, but can help you grow, call parts of you forward and bring you to a multitude of realizations.
As I finally go to sleep, I desperately hope, pray, and wish that tomorrow is a better day. A day filed with solutions and answers and something a little more certain and tangible.
A very special gingerbread house Christmas with the Waterloo family! @triniboijonathan @farziidooo #christmasinnovember #waterloopeeps #holidaylove
An artsy night out to the Totally Unknown Writer’s Festival at The Rivoli! Got to hear some wonderful stories tonight! #inspired #feelingartsy #therivoli
DC Comics phone case to commemorate my love for superheroes and comics! #batman #superman #theflash #DCcomics
If we don’t know, somewhere to go, back to the 101! #alberthammondjr #phoenixconcerthall #101 #yourstokeep
As sexy as you claimed the red lights would be…they made it difficult to take pictures #alberthammondjr #phoenixconcerthall
I am sure I must have said this before, if not then I am quite surprised. This admission of truth is simple and straightforward but probably the basis of many things that have occurred in my life. Truth is, I’m impatient, I’m as impatient as they come.
My mother always told me patience was a virtue and that it was ladylike to be patient. However I’ve always had issue with following advice especially that given to me by the authority in my life. And so here I am, as impatient as always, just waiting for things to happen already. As usual I’ve become a walking contradiction, on one hand I complain things move to fast and we need them to go slower, on the other hand I am impatient and anxious waiting for something to happen already. Maybe if I learned to be patient and wait for good things to happen, I wouldn’t always be finding myself sabotaging it.
It’s hard to think about it but your life is made up of complex individuals just like yourself who have a mind, a conscious, a subconscious, a unique thought process, and the will to make their own decisions and choices. With all these variables it almost seems miraculous for two people to be in sync with one another and fully understand each other. And yet, everyday, all over the world it happens, people find each other and they connect.
It’s beautiful when you think about how random, unrelated seeming events can lead to the rest of your life. Thus far if things pan out in my life, whatever I once said I’d never find myself doing, all the criteria I set for myself growing up about my future is about to be rewritten and I’m about to do the complete opposite. It’s funny you never see yourself doing certain things and next thing you know you are smack in the middle of it. Maybe that’s why it’s so important to not set so many expectations for yourself early on. Maybe that’s what makes life an exciting adventure! It’s all the unknown variables that affect you in ways you aren’t ever able to imagine.
Here’s hoping the rest of my story is as exciting and ripe with happiness as the journey has been thus far.