This.Life.Starts.Now.

Live Life, Laugh & Smile, Love Lots

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I Always Imagined I’d Be The Perfect Girlfriend…

In my youth I was always lamenting about being single. About all the jerks, the bad guys, the insensitive, emotionless pricks that plagued my past. I was convinced every poor relationships decision was a result of these guys and not me. Any negativity was their doing, because I was the perfect girlfriend and I didn’t deserve this. It was always them, thats the way it had always been…

As I grew older and remained single longer I began to think that there may be something wrong with me. At first I believed I just hadn’t found the right guy and I would be the perfect girlfriend to any guy. All those failed relationships around me, I wouldn’t be in one of them because I mean who would want to break up with me I wouldn’t do anything wrong? What are the fundamentals of a relationship? Love, be caring, be kind and don’t cheat? That is pretty much what I thought…oh I was naive. As time went on I realized maybe there was something wrong with me? I mean how could one person have so much bad luck and always end up finding the worst guys? It has to be something inherently wrong with me that I don’t know so I can’t fix.

I tried being not as picky and taking risks in regards to who I dated. Probably not always the best idea because in my case I learned it is okay to have standards that you adhere to and uphold. Standards mean you value yourself, and have some shred of self-esteem and self-respect. You hold yourself to a higher regard you don’t subject yourself to terrible things because you know you deserve better.

And amidst all this, one day I stopped caring. I went out there into the world and just gave up caring. I decided I was going to do me and see what came of my fate. And along that very short journey I met someone. That someone changed me so much as steered me off that course, that to this day I don’t know if I would say was the right or wrong course for me. But it led to where I am now so I am not complaining. 

However as I embarked upon my first real, serious, tangible relationship…long distance and all. Lots of effort, emotions and all, I realized, geez I’m not the perfect girlfriend I always thought I was. I was always criticizing other couples in my mind thinking, “hey if I was in that I wouldn’t screw it up…she/he is an imbecile.” And the only ways I thought one can really screw up a relationship is by cheating or abuse both of which are absolutely deplorable. 

Well I was wrong…you can screw up a relationship in so many other ways. For one you can be very different from the person you are seeing but similar all at once. You may be going through experiences and challenges they would not have ever foreseen or even begin to understand and that can separate you and cause friction. You can have a lack of physical contact or intimacy that leaves you both frustrated. You can be annoying, and a complainer because of your unhappy life circumstances, the downer in the relationship even though you think you are just venting trying to alleviate the pressure you feel. You can be a complainer…of your significant other to others and that isn’t exactly the best either. You can have a low-self esteem, and require more attention and assurance which can be difficult for your significant other to deal with. I am all of these things in various combinations all at once. I struggle with the challenges I pose to my relationship every day. I keep thinking I’m going to break what I build, I am going to sabotage and destroy it. 

Why? Because I don’t know how to change. This is who I am, who I’ve always been. I didn’t realize it was so annoying to be me…to go through what I do and to have to hear it. I didn’t realize that I would be a bad girlfriend…not sensitve to my signifcant other. Being such a chatterbox that I sometimes happen to cut them off. Not always being the greatest listener. It’s frustrating to see something you work at being torn apart and it’s because of you. Even though you thought you were the perfect gal for any guy. 

All I can think about is how many other relationships or potential relationships was I the destroyer of? How else have I self-sabotaged myself? Was it truly their fault? Or did I actually play some part in the past destruction. 

Can I learn from this by being introspective and self-aware? Can I change, are these changes positive and necessary? 

Filed under relationships girlfriend perfectgirlfriend heartache

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Until We Get There - Lucius 

What do you say
Is this the time
For one more try
At a happy life

So what do you say
Is it unwise
To think my fears
Will not reprise

Woo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Woo hoo hoo

Can’t be late
It’s a rising tide
Like an hour glass
Running out of time

So what do you say
What will you deicide
It’s a win or lose
On a rolling die

Woo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Woo hoo hoo

Woo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Woo hoo hoo

Gonna get out of the water
Gonna leave the storm
Cause everybody’s gotta get there somehow
And I won’t wait another day, another day

Woo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Woo hoo hoo

Woo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo
Woo hoo hoo

Won’t know until we get there 
You know I wanna get there

__________________________

I forgot about this gem! I discovered it while watching New Girl when one of my favourite tv show couples finally get together. While the pairing did not last which would usually make me really sad because I invest just a little too much in my tv show couples (due to a lack of real relationships at the time), I came to terms with this Maybe it was due to my own relationship happenings at the time. But whatever it was it left an impact. And as I listen to this song which I think is perfect for the summer as it is light, cheery, but also thoughtful sounding they lyrics are relatable. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s ever the right time with someone other times it all just seems soo right. 

I enjoy the fact that the song says, “we won’t know until we get there, I want to get there”. I do want to get there and there is no sense in what if’ing yourself to death until you actually get there and see how things pan out. That’s how I feel about love and my relationship, and life in general. I am just not going to know and I’m okay with that because things have a lovely way of working out. 

Filed under lucius until we get there new girl love relationships

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How Can it Be Good and Bad?

How can people you encounter in life be so good to you, yet make you feel as if they’ve wronged you. Maybe it comes from a good place, it’s because they think they know better and what’s good for you. Why can’t they trust that you can take care of yourself that you are self-sufficient.

How can you forget everything someone’s done for you and make rash decisions regarding their stay in your life?

How can you throw these people, relationships, and words so carelessly? Why do you hurt the people around you without a moment’s hesitation…without the littlest amount of thought?

How come we can’t remember how we should treat people, or speak to them?

How come the good die young?

How does the world deal with all the death, dying, poverty, illness, and sadness?

How do you survive?

How do you learn to endure, to grin and bare it?

Filed under how survival relationships

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I Do Not Believe What I Was Taught…Am I A Bad Person?

First off a disclaimer here is I love my parents with all my heart, as frustrating and hurtful they can be. In my books for the most part they’ve done right by me and that’s the most I can ask for. However just because I am grateful for their love, care and support over these last couple of years it does not mean I blindly believe the wisdom they choose to impart with me.

First and foremost I am an adult. At 22 years old I would like to believe I have accumulated enough life experiences to understand and engineer my own personal belief systems, opinions, and relationships. I am not saying I no longer need my parents guidance or support but rather that I do have the ability to formulate values and process higher level thoughts. 

Second of all, my parents are good people, in the simplest sense of the term. They believe in equality for the most part and love for all humans. They are alright with abortion within reason, they believe in gay marriage, and the empowerment of women in society. Basic progressive thoughts. 

But not when these basic progressive ideals apply to their own children. I shudder to think of the struggle I’d face had I needed to “come out” to my parents. They mean well, but yet they live their lives in contradiction.

As a visible minority they have experienced different levels of discrimination. From civil unrest and war in their native country. To racism in the new land they sought refuge in. However they kept their heads held high, stood their ground and defended their beliefs and ideals. They educated many about racial diversity and yet remained racially partial. Especially when it came to their own children. From a young age I heard many tales of woe and misfortune that became of the interracial couples in my family including my dad’s sister and various cousins. However I always knew in my heart of hearts although easier it would be to see someone of my own race in terms of introductions to my parents I would follow my heart where it took me. And as feared but expected my heart took me elsewhere, away from what I’ve known and was taught but into the arms of someone special. I’d like to believe everything happens for a reason. I am truly happy now being with someone I unconditionally love, yet I live in fear. 

Daily I dwell upon my future circumstances. I cry, I am frustrated and I am scared because I love someone of a different race. And because my parents seem like they will never be able to accept it. With them being a visible minority, having been historically oppressed and discriminated against I assumed things would be different, a more accepting attitude in place. Yet they are stubborn, set in their ways worried about what their peers would think of their daughters interracial happiness. They fear cultural clashes, assimilation and uncomfortable situations will ensue. Either I will lose sight of my culture and my heritage, where I come from, or he will be subjected to language barriers. However I do not believe in this truly global society that these minor things would even be an issue especially for my generation. They warn me of awkward scenarios, an unpleasant future and regret. Why can’t they be happy for me? Why can’t they support me in this? I just wish they would be accepting as their disapproval hurts my heart.

When I hear people tell me I can’t leave my parents to be with the person I love because it’s disrespectful and because my parents raised me and I should be appreciative of that and loyal to them, it’s difficult for me to hear. I understand and agree with those things but I’m also sure they worked hard so I’d be happy in my life. This relationship makes me happy, without him I would imagine things being bleak and miserable. I’m not trying to trade them for him, it doesn’t have to be one or the other it could and should be both. The future, and my time to tell them about this are still a long way off. I just wish it were easier, I wish I didn’t live in fear, I wish things were different.

Then again it’s not even just my parents I have to contend with. There is society and the older generations that reside within it. Going out in public, just holding hands, or sitting on the bus together with my head occasionally resting on his shoulder, elicits many disturbed and disapproving glances our way. There is nothing remarkable about us, we are just like any other couple yet a select group of elderly of both our respective races, condemn us for who we love and chose to be with. I was naive enough to believe that this would no longer be an issue, that in 2014, this was an issue long gone, one of the past, yet here it is rearing it’s ugly judgemental head creating a hostile environment for us.

I eagerly await the future with equal parts fear and hope. I hope for approval, a better place, more accepting society. And I fear that these things will take time to come and will not be easy to attain. However in my heart of hearts, I know I will be okay, because even if I don’t agree with everything I was taught growing up, there was enough good in it that keeps me optimistic about the future. 

Filed under interracial interraciallove relationships love parents